How to Give Sincere Compliments

A kind, genuine, thoughtful compliment is like a form of magic—it has the power to turn someone’s day around in an instant and make them feel proud, happy, and appreciated. And while there’s nothing wrong with telling someone you like their shirt (as long as, you know, you actually do—we’re not talking about Mean Girls Regina George-style “Oh my God I love your bracelet, where did you get it?!” compliments), giving a compliment is really an opportunity to go deeper and strengthen your bond with the person.

“Compliments can be a useful tool to nurture and enhance relationships,” says psychotherapist Lindsay Liben, LCSW. “Ultimately it contributes to deeper, more intimate connection.”

And beyond the benefits to relationships, doling out compliments can immediately make you as the giver happier as well. Liben points to research showing that giving gratitude-based compliments, in particular, correlates with greater levels of optimism, satisfaction and happiness. As relationship expert and coach Rachel DeAlto puts it, “Compliments create positive energy! And like gifts, giving them can benefit the giver as well as the recipient.”

Here’s how to build a sincere, thoughtful compliment, that will strengthen your relationships, boost happiness and gratitude, and definitely bring a smile to someone’s face.

Link your compliment to something you genuinely feel.

To give a compliment that really resonates, Liben suggests a three-step process, which starts by identifying an action or quality that you truly respect or appreciate. “The compliment should be authentic,” she says, and connected to values that you personally hold dear or that you know are important to that person.

Then, think about why you appreciate that quality.

The next step is to figure out the reason this quality resonates so strongly with you. So to put the first two steps together, for example, if you’re thinking about complimenting a friend about her vacation-planning skills leading up to your girls trip, consider why you appreciate the related actions—did she make the trip fun and stress-free for everyone else, for example? Then, connect the first two steps to deliver the compliment, being as specific as possible. So in the case of the getaway, it might be something like, “You’re so fantastic at picking incredible places to eat! I so appreciate that you’re in control.”

Be authentic and specific, not hyperbolic.

Liben also recommends keeping in mind the “KISS” method for giving compliments: That is, “Keep It Sincere and Specific.”

“Hyperbole or gratuitous praise can cheapen the gesture, making it feel empty and disingenuous. An honest compliment, even if it’s a small one, carries more weight,” she explains.

So, for example, telling your friend that the party she threw was “Literally the best night ever,” might come off as less meaningful than something along the lines of, “I love how you had icebreaker games ready to go so we could all get to know each other as soon as we got there! Hosting seems to come so naturally to you and I really appreciate you always introducing me to new people.”

Done right, even seemingly superficial compliments can make someone’s day.

“Never underestimate the power of a ‘your blouse is beautiful’ or ‘your haircut is fantastic,’ to brighten someone’s day,” says DeAlto. “Yet we can always dig deeper and find an attribute, personality trait or accomplishment to compliment as well.”

…but use adjectives.

Liben agrees that “Skin-deep compliments may sometimes feel shallow, but in the right context, they can be empowering and appreciated.” She recommends making a simple compliment resonate even more by actually connecting it to a more emotional thought, like instead of saying, “I love your dress!” adding something like, “Your sunny yellow dress is beautiful and seeing it brightened my morning!”

Compliment your favorite traits in your romantic partner.

The formula of specific trait plus emotional connection works for complimenting romantic partners on a deeper level as well, and can even help your relationship. “Identifying and celebrating what you adore about your partner can improve your relationship by increasing mindfulness,” says Liben, adding that as a bonus, “the effects of complimenting a romantic partner can also contribute to greater conflict resolution and better communication.”

Use compliments as a tool in the workplace.

Regularly complimenting your co-workers or employees can actually boost their performance: Liben points to a link between expressing well-deserved performance-related recognition and improving professional output. To do this as effectively as possible, “the compliment should be genuine and deserved,” she says, as well as performance-specific.

“Use context clues to help you formulate an appropriate sentiment. For example, after a coworker gives a powerful presentation, compliment her delivery rather than her outfit,” she says.

Don’t be afraid to compliment a stranger!

Whether it’s a person on the train or a musician whose performance rocked the house, well-founded (read: not creepy!) compliments are generally appreciated. But for people who are shy, it can be easier said than done. (“What if she thinks I’m weird?” or some version of that may be running through your head.)

“Start by taking the emotional thermometer of the situation by making eye contact with the receiver,” advises Liben. “Then proceed with a smile. Be direct and speak in an audible volume that conveys confidence.”

Besides likely bringing a smile to the other person’s face, Liben adds that “If complimenting a stranger is outside your comfort zone, it can be a real dopamine rush.”

生词记录

genuine 真正的，名副其实的；真诚的，真心的，诚实的

compliment 赞美，称赞，赞扬，钦佩，致敬

turn sth around 好转，使扭转，使有起色

bracelet 手镯，手链

nurture 促进，扶助，培养

psychotherapist 心理治疗师

intimate 亲密的

dole sth out 发放。发给（事物，钱等），分发钱等，施舍

optimism 乐观，乐观主义

resonate 使产生联想，引起共鸣

authentic 可靠的，真正的

getaway 短假

hyperbolic 夸张的

gratuitous 不必要的，无谓的

disingenuous 虚伪的

literally 确实地，名副其实地；逐字翻译地；真正地，确实；只是，仅仅

come off 取得预期的效果，成功

line 做法，方法，看法，立场；台词；话语，言语

make sb’s day 令某人开心快乐

blouse 女式衬衫

attribute 属性，特性，特质

skin-deep 肤浅的，表面的

empowering 使有自主感的，使感到有自立能力的，增强自信的

formulate 制定，规划，构想

sentiment 意见，观点，看法，情绪

well-founded 理由充分的

creepy 怪异的，令人毛骨悚然的

thermometer 温度计，体温计

audible 听得见的

dopamine 多巴胺